Thursday, 17 May 2012


Continuing with my birdwatching amongst the Coffee Shop Regulars.......*

Finally, the last in the series:

NAME: Laptop Lady   
                                                                  SPECIES: Female. Holding back the years

SIGHTING: Very common                             CALL: Medium Skinny Latte

PLUMAGE: dresses younger than probable age. Glasses. Roots in constant need of re-touching. Walking stick (home-decorated). Laptop. Mobile phone.

And then I woke up and
it was all just a dream.......
This lady is often one of the first to arrive in the morning. She is very tall and I think she might have looked quite glamorous in her younger days – she was probably a good deal slimmer too. Her clothes are just one rung short of mutton-dressed-as-lamb and her hair is piled up on top of her head in a sort of loose chignon. The tortoiseshell glasses perched on the end of her nose have an annoying tendency of working themselves down and look in danger of falling off onto the table so she constantly pushes them back up again with her little finger. She also has a habit of tilting her head to the left when she types and nodding in approval when she is happy with something that she has written, but biting her thumb nail when she is stuck – I don't think she realises she is doing it to be honest. She can type really fast, so I think she must have been a secretary or maybe a personal assistant in another life.

She is nearly always alone, except at weekends when she is accompanied by her husband and they seem to spend the whole time putting the world to rights. Occasionaly she is joined by a friend, who can talk the hind legs off a donkey. Laptop lady appears to be politely listening and smiling in the right places, but you can sense she would much rather be alone with her laptop.

May contain Cheese
BestFriend Talkalot: So, I told her straight, I said to her: well I don't know about you, I said, but a fondue night is simply out of the question what with my allergies an' all. I mean she knows perfectly well what happened last time I had welsh rarebit. Couldn't put my tights on for a week. And I mean, it's foreign isn't it? Fondue? Well, we're not going to raise tuppence ha'penny to re-lag the village hall pipework with foreign practices like Fondue Nights are we?

Laptop Lady: looking over the top of said laptop and shaking head, Nooo... surreptitiously still typing on the keyboard.... Click click ….. click

Brown Owl gets the
BF Talkalot: Oh, I know you're busy with your.... er.... work thingy.. that you're... er... doing there, so I won't keep you. Well, of course she gets all huffy about it. Pauline, she says, I'm just trying to bring a bit of class into the village. Class! I ask you. Class! I mean, what's wrong with a good old fashioned Beetle Drive and a plate of cockles? Keep it simple I said to her, we don't need class. You know, the Brownies raised nearly £23 with their Zumba display last month and everyone said what a marvel Brown Owl was - doing the merengue what with all her women's troubles and everthing. So to be honest, I really can't see how she thinks she's going to match that with 2lb of Emmental and a French stick.

Laptop Lady: still shaking head........ click....kerrrcliiick...

No luvvie, I will only
work with Laptop Lady!
Laptop Lady spends quite a lot of time looking out of the window, staring vacantly at the laptop screen or checking her phone; perhaps she is waiting or hoping for divine inspiration. Occasionally though something must happen, because all of a sudden she will spring into life and type manically for about 2 or 3 minutes and then.......... nothing; it's back to staring at the screen again.... chin resting on her hand. Every so often she turns away from the computer to type something into the phone and smiles when she gets a response. Perhaps she gets a text from someone she loves or maybe she is on one of those social network things like Twitter or Facebook.

The staff all know her order before she has even got to the top of the stairs (she's very slow but refuses to use the lift) and are often preparing the drink before she gets to the counter – some may think this is preferential treatment – I am not sure whether she is smug or embarrassed about it, perhaps a bit of both. I've never been able to see what it is she is actually typing – perhaps it is a block-busting novel that will one day be turned into an oscar winning film starring Colin Firth. Who knows, maybe one day when she is famous they will place a little blue plaque by the table where she used to sit

or maybe she's one of those strange blogger types........


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