BEST FOOT FORWARD

 I have signed up to attend a gym class designed especially for people with chronic back pain. Considering I haven't been inside a gym in about 10 years this is a big step for me and the following is part of a conversation I had with my eldest (grown-up and now raising a family of her own) daughter about it.

Daughter: Well, you're going to need new trainers.

Me: What's wrong with my trainers? There's nothing wrong with my trainers – they've got years of wear in them.

They're rubbish trainers. Old fashioned....

They're not old fashioned - they're retro. I mean, it's not like they're Green Flash or anything.

They're embarrassing. When was the last time you bought a new pair? They don't even make that kind any more. You need proper trainers.

Like?

Like proper ones.....nice ones... not old granny ones....

Later in the discount sports shop – footwear dept (Ladies) ~ OK, it was Sports Direct...

Me (on mobile phone): Well, which ones are best? There's a whole wall plastered with the things...

Daughter (on other end of phone-line): It depends on how much you want to spend.

About twenty quid.

Are you serious?

Twenty-five then, it's not like I'm going to wear them much. What about these..

Loud audible sigh from other end of phone-line (somewhat overly dramatic in my opinion)

Me: OK, well they have these...

Too flat. You don't want flat – no support.

These then...

Too chavvy.

I'm getting a headache. What about these?

Boxers wear those, you'll look like a boxer...

Right, then I'll look like Hilary Swank …. or Frank Bruno.....either way, they fit – they'll do...

Now you're just being facetious - she died anyway.

Who died?

Hilary Swank.

Hilary Swank is dead?

No, in the film she died, are you buying these trainers or what?

My turn to sigh over-dramatically Well these ones then. These are OK.

No-one wears them any-more. Get NICE ones..

What does it matter? They all look the same to me.

That's not the point.

I mean it's not like you're going to be humiliated by me wearing them or anything - you live 90 miles away, you won't even see them.

It's the principle of the thing. Have they got any ****'s

Yes....(gets them down from the wall display).....How much?....You've got to be joking. I'm not paying that. I've had enough. I'm just getting these ones... I'll speak to you later.....

Me: Excuse me, do you have these in a size 6?

Shop Assistant: Sorry?

These...do you have them in a size 6?

Those ones?

These ones, yes...

What colour?

In black.

Black?

Yes.

In a 6?

In a 6 - in black.

Oh I'm sorry - everything we have is out on display.......